As I walk from the street to the front door of LA’s iconic Mayan Theatre I’m surrounded by low riders of every concoction: black hearses, old limousines, and neon green hot rod convertibles all there to drop off the strange celebrities of the dark Mexican world I am about to enter.
The street is packed with onlookers excitedly mingling about to see who will be next to walk the red carpet into the show. Will it be the superstar Mexican wrestler team Diamante Azul and Mango who flew in for the event from Mexico City? Or will it be Marawa The Amazing who is known for spinning up to 133 hula-hoops at once around her tight supple body? Perhaps it’s Piñatita, the mini-wrestler who regularly flips his tiny figure off the walls of the ring knocking out big guys thrice his size.
I enter the building as the show starts while a loud voice booms through the speakers. “Welcome to a place where evil is victorious. Where dogs lie down with cats. Welcome to Lucha VaVOOM!” The crowd is electric. The announcer screams “LUCHA!” The mob answers “VAVOOM!”
LUCHA! VAVOOM! LUCHA! VAVOOM!
The chant pretty much goes on all night. And what a night it is. A night where sexo meets violencia and heaven battles hell (emphasis on the hell.) Mexican wrestling galore, complete with clowns, midgets, and a certain Dirty Sanchez, sprinkled in with the naughtiest blend of burlesque and comedy. It’s a perfect assortment of madness, making this two-night Halloween spectacle called “Night of the Vampire” the primo way to prepare for the darkest of holiday’s.
Voted Los Angeles’ “Best Burlesque Show” by LA Weekly for 2012 and 2013, Lucha VaVOOM is an action packed LA tradition that comes to the Mayan twice yearly for it’s Halloween and Valentine’s Day shows.
The audience is crazy. Lots of nakedness, euro girls with mullets, Moschino crop tops (this is LA after all), face paint, wigs, boobs, guys dressed like chicks—absolutely anything goes. Except for normal. If you’re wearing something normal go directly home. You’re probably two seconds from getting bitch slapped.
Under a dance floor-sized disco ball sits the wrestling ring. When masked Mexican wrestlers aren’t jumping on top of one another, aren’t flying into the audience, and aren’t kicking the poor old-man referee in the head, burlesque dancers are getting butt-ass naked—stripping down to strings and pasties. They’re taking panties off, parading around like an alley cat in heat, then sexy as sexy can be, slowly putting them back on, leaving you wiping just a little drool off the side of your wicked little mouth. You like it. You want more. Why hello Evil, nice to meet you!
Midgets are dressed up like piñatas. The Zombie Chickens are body slamming people, then “bock bocking” while they butt bounce across the ring. Kitten Deville is channeling Marilyn Monroe and parading that fine ass of hers all over the place.
Music superstar Peaches comes out in the scariest costume you’ve ever seen—she has giant eyeballs for boobs and a KISS-like tongue for a crotch. She’s fronting the cover band Black Sabbitch and it’s so strange and good the night could just end there—nothing can top that. But then Dirty Sanchez pulls down his sweaty spandex and wipes his dirty bum with a rag, and I swear, the screams are so loud I‘m officially going deaf early, but it’s all so disgusting and so, so worth it.
The show ends and the stars mingle in with the guests, taking photos, grabbing body parts and after a highly peculiar incident where I willingly kissed a midget on the bare lips, I head home, taking with me a little part of Satan, because after all, evil always wins at Lucha.
There is definitely going to be poison in my candy bars this year.